Friday, May 13, 2005

My bags are packed, I'm ready to go

Sometimes I forget to take my politics with a dose of humor. I'm funny that way. But my indispensable Mom comes through with another gem.

This is making its way around the internets, and if anyone comes forth with claim of authorship, they will get a hearty chuckle from me.

Dear President Bush:

Congratulations on your victory over all us non-evangelicals. Actually, we're a bit ticked off here in New England, so we're leaving. New England will now be its own country. And we're taking all the Blue States with us. In case you are not aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois, all of the North East and California.

We spoke to God, and she agrees that this split will be beneficial to almost everybody, and especially to us in the new country of New England. In fact, God is so excited about it, she's going to shift the whole country at 4:30 PM EST next Friday. Therefore, please let everyone know they need to be back in their states by then.

So you get Texas and all the former slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Eliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole Miss. We get 85% of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get all the technological innovation in Alabama. We get about two-thirds of the tax revenue, and you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our divorce rate is 22% lower than the Christian coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms to support, and we know how much you like that. Did I mention we produce about 70% of the nation's veggies? But heck the only greens the Bible-thumpers eat are the pickles on their Big Macs.

Oh yeah, another thing, don't plan on serving California wine at your state dinners. From now on it's imported French wine for you. Ouch, bet that hurts. Just so we're clear, the country of New England will be pro-choice and anti-war. Speaking of war, we're going to want all Blue States citizens back from Iraq. If you need people to fight, just ask your evangelicals. They have tons of kids they're willing to send to their deaths for oil. And they don't care if you don't show pictures of their kids' caskets coming home.

Anyway, we wish you all the best in the next four years and we hope, really hope, you find those missing weapons of mass destruction. Seriously. Soon.

Sincerely, New England