Sunday, October 29, 2006

Yes, Jesus loves me, yes, Jesus loves me...?

From my friend MJS over at CorrenteWire:

Possibly Over-Medicated Messiah Seen Leaving Rave Concert


(Jivester News, Lmtd.) After suggesting that dying for mankind’s sins was too limiting, Christ Jesus has been speaking (off the record) lately to His friends and some—not all—of His neighbors, about His plans to return to Earth and “…dying this time not for sins per se, but for a litany of various maladies, diseases, nagging back aches and of course male pattern baldness.”

Yeshua (his Hebraic name means “Canadian Drugs” in Pig Latin) has been studying medical reference websites lately, poring over materials related to genetics—specifically how heredity and bio-chemical variations affect millions upon millions of human beings on a daily basis. Moved by the plight of humanity, He has decided to de-emphasize the “sin thing” and focus more clearly on His healing talents. Recognizing that He’s just “not into” walking around the planet and healing everyone He meets (“…it’s like being a comedian and having to be funny all the time. What a drag. Bob Hope is the most miserable person in Heaven…”) Jesus has decided to franchise His operation while retaining all ancillary rights.

Speaking on GOD News during a break from Eternity, Jesus said, “I thought about this issue during the whole Michael J. Fox/Rush Limbaugh story. I mean, here’s a case where someone is practically on his knees begging for help just so some pre-emryonic blastocysts destined for the dustbin can be utilized by scientists in America to try and discover cures for Parkinson’s and other crippling and fatal diseases, and Rush is jumping on him like he was a tackling dummy. It’s not right—it’s as wrong as anything I have ever witnessed—so I’ve decided that instead of waiting around for the electorate to pick through the blather and do the right thing, I will simply be born again and this time make it clear that my death at the hands of Big Pharma will be my guarantee to wipe out diseases, some lower lumbar ailments, and male pattern baldness for all humanity, for all time.”

Asked by a gentleman who identified himself as a prosecuter for God to enumerate what people would be dying from in the future, Jesus replied, “I don’t know. Probably drowning or radiation poisoning. Oh, and murder and car accidents. Ooh—plane crashes and earthquakes and…” continued Jesus, until trailing off as if lost in a really mysterious thought. When asked why He included “male pattern baldness” among the list of ailments He would choose to die for, Jesus took off His wig and pointed to His abundant lack of hair thereon, while shaking his head slowly—very slowly, very solemnly. He put His wig back on and said, “Verily, let us not speak of this again. Not kidding. I wouldn’t press this point if I were you. Ix-nay on the ald-bay atter-chay.”


Image of possibly over-medicated messianic figure from here.