She Blinded Me With Science

Scientoid News CERN, Switzerland. December 19th 2009

The Large Hardon Collider had a limited success this month before having to be shut down due to a lack of lubrication. The experiment ran for four hours before scientists realized that the containment vessel had lost its charm. Truth and beauty were still trapped, but as chief scientist Adam N. Steve explained "Every experiment has it's quarks, we believe in the essential potency of the Large Hardon Collider and will explore every avenue to the Big Bang."

In this initial effort to stimulate the Big Bang it was found that spontaneous field emissions covered some sensors and resulted in the Higgs bosom being torqued, instead of tweaked. Various materials were experimented with before it was discovered that simple latex, when applied after initially exciting the protons, and before insertion into the main cyclotron, provided essential protection. Dr. Steve took some ribbing for his solution but added "this is just the tip of the reservoir of knowledge we need to expand in."

Scientists around the world immediately lepton this news. "Heisenberg would be uncertain, but I'm thrilled," exclaimed one scientist who immediately rolled over and took a nap.

Unfortunately Dr. Steve stumbled over an unpredicted fermion and hit the evacuation button prematurely. "In the final outcome," he stated, "no matter was created or destroyed ... but my humorous took quite a blow. And damn, that's gonna leave a mark."


This has been a pubic service announcement.

This post was inspired by Thers and commenters at Whiskey Fire.