Sunday, November 16, 2008

Hey you, get offa my cloud

This anonymous letter has been floating on the internets for around a year, I think, and good friend Jess reminded me of it, emailed it to me today.

It's particularly witty now, since so many formerly Red states voted Blue:
Dear Red States:

We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and the entire Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard.

You get Ole' Miss. We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulphur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia. We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

Finally, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico

Peace out, Blue States.

While I was trying to track the provenance of the piece, I found it posted at some really vile Right-wing blogs, with some of the following comments:
Sounds like Obonga. Egotistical Snobbery.
All of you libs should move to the "new country" of California because the state motto fits. California, the land of fruits and nuts. Pray to Hollywood while your at it.
We in the South will just sit under a shade tree and collect your government provided socialst dollars while you vacation.


If this ever happened, all of the companies in the Demoncunt states would leave and move to the Republican states. Demoncunt states would be left with nothing but a bunch of illegals and other assorted dumb motherfuckers. Whoever wrote this scenario is an idiot. Maybe then we could start a war with the demoncunt country and kill them all.

The retard that wrote this piece of bullshit must be completely unaware that California's agricultural areas are "red counties", populated by "bitter people clinging to guns and religion".

And they hate the libs in San Francisco and Los Angeles more than any Southerner could ever imagine.

No, you idiot wingers. It's not serious. It's almost like it's already two countries, one rec, one blue.

Idiots. And who is going to be fanning this outrage, cheerleading for the Republican Party? Howard Fineman, on Hardball today:

Howard Fineman: It won't be out of the Hill at all. It's going to be Rush Limbaugh, and what's left of the conservative commentariat. They are going to be in charge of this party until the Republicans begin to get their act together.

Matthews: So the ticked-off voices.

Fineman: The ticked-off voices, and Rush will be the guy.

Let them eat Limbaugh.

Note: Updated for clarity.

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