OFFICER: Do you wish to talk to us at this time?
CRAIG: I do.
OFFICER: Okay. Um, I just wanna start off with a your side of the story, okay. So...
CRAIG: So I go into the bathroom here as I normally do, I'm a commuter too here.
CRAIG: A very manly commuter, I might add.
OFFICER: Um, okay...
CRAIG: I sit down, um, to go to the bathroom and ah, I suddenly have the feeling that George Michael is in the next stall. The one you were in. Your feet look just like George Michael's.
OFFICER: George Michael?
CRAIG: Yes. I'm a big fan of his, you know. He's a very masculine, macho singer. Women like him, so he MUST be straight, you know?
OFFICER: Well, I...
CRAIG: Anyway, being the big fan that I am, I wanted his autograph. All fans of celebrities know that the signal to get their attention is to tap on their foot with your foot. Now, I've always thought that a bit strange but, you know, who am I to argue celebrity etiquette?
OFFICER: Celebrity etiquette? Tapping on feet under bathroom stalls? I doubt that...
CRAIG: Oh yes. Oh! And did I mention that I own a pick-up truck?
OFFICER: A pick-up truck?
CRAIG: Yes. With a gun rack and NRA stickers all over it. Heh heh, I even have a bumper sticker that says "You'll have to pry my gun from my cold dead hands". All us macho types have that.
OFFICER: Mr. Craig, you also reached your hand down under the stall...
CRAIG: I was reaching for a piece of paper. You know, for George Michael to write his autograph on. I certainly didn't want him having to write it on some body part on me. That wouldn't be proper, now would it?
OFFICER: Uh, no it wouldn't, but..
CRAIG: I am not gay. I don't do these kinds of things.
OFFICER: It doesn't matter. I don't care about sexual preference or anything like that. Here's your stuff back sir. Um, I don't care about sexual preference.
CRAIG: I know you don't. You're out to enforce the law.
CRAIG: Did I mention I am Republican? You know how anti-gay we Republicans are.
CRAIG: I really love football. And hockey. None of those gay sports like tennis or figure skating.
OFFICER: Mr. Craig, let's not...
CRAIG: And fishing. I love fishing.
OFFICER: We're getting off the subject here...
CRAIG: And hunting. I shoot a lot of things. Did I mention my gun rack?
OFFICER: Yes you did, but...
CRAIG: I remember how my buddy and I used to wait behind the local gay bar and beat up queers that walked out. We called them all kinds of names. Fags. Homos. Stuff like that.
OFFICER: Mr. Craig, I can't believe you are telling me all this...
CRAIG: You can believe me... I am soooo not gay. I hate gays. They make my blood boil. Just thinking about them gets me worked up. Uh, not worked up in a gay sort of way. I mean worked up in an angry heterosexual manly man sort of way.
OFFICER: Let's get back on subject, shall we? You tapped my foot...
CRAIG: I had a song going through my head. I was tapping my foot in rhythm to it.
OFFICER: I thought you said you wanted an autograph from George Michael.
CRAIG: It was a George Michael song.
OFFICER: Now, you're not being truthful with me, I'm kinda disappointed in you Senator. I'm real disappointed in you right now.
CRAIG: Disappointed? How do you think I feel? I thought I was gonna get George Michael's autograph.
OFFICER: This is embarrassing...
CRAIG: I want your sex.
CRAIG: "I Want Your Sex". That was the George Michael song I had going through my head when my foot tapped yours.
OFFICER: Okay, let's try to start over here. You travel through here frequently, correct?
CRAIG: Almost weekly.
OFFICER: Have you been successful in these bathrooms here before?
CRAIG: Oh yes. I got Clay Aiken's autograph recently here. He's a real macho kind of guy, too. I could picture having a beer with him at a backyard barbeque. And I heard him fart real loud from the other stall. Now, I ask you, who but the most masculine of men just let their farts ring out loud and clear, not caring who can hear it?
OFFICER: Senator, I don't care about anyone's sexuality, whether it's you or George Michael or Clay Aiken. That is not the point here...
CRAIG: Oh, but it is! I don't do those sorts of things.
OFFICER: All I know is you tapped my foot and reached down and...
CRAIG: Republicans aren't gay! Do you hear me?? I'll vote down any pro-gay measure, I'll even try to put through measures to have them all rounded up and put into camps like we did to the Japanese...
OFFICER: Please, Mr. Craig, you're only embarrassing yourself...
CRAIG: Heck, I would think the gays would like that. Then we...er...they can tap the feet on anybody they like in the other stall without fear of damn cops busting us... er... them. Damn it, you're getting me all confused and flustered here.
OFFICER: I think we're pretty much done here.
CRAIG: I'm not gay!!! You hear me buster?? NOT GAY!!
OFFICER: Embarrassing, embarrassing. No wonder why we're going down the tubes.
CRAIG: You know, we Republicans hear that a lot.
OFFICER: What a shocker. This interview is done.
CRAIG: Can I have my "50 Greatest Broadway Tunes of All Time" CD back, please?
[graphic by Dancin' Dave]