And then the punches flew and chairs were smashed in two, There was blood and a single gunshot, but just who shot who?

"Manilow Shuns 'The View' Over Hasselbeck"

LOS ANGELES (Sept. 17) - Pop singer Barry Manilow, a major Democratic fundraiser, said on Monday he has scrapped plans to appear on the television talk show "The View," because he did not want to be interviewed by its conservative co-host.

Manilow was scheduled to appear on the ABC morning show Tuesday, the same day his new album, "The Greatest Songs of the Seventies" hits stores.
But those plans fell through because of his issues with Elisabeth Hasselbeck, an abortion opponent and supporter of the Iraq war.

"I had made a request that I be interviewed by (co-hosts) Joy (Behar), Barbara (Walters) or Whoopi (Goldberg), but not Elisabeth Hasselbeck. Unfortunately, the show was not willing to accommodate this simple request so I bowed out," he said in statement.

"It's really too bad because I've always been a big supporter of the show, but I cannot compromise my beliefs."

In an earlier statement, Manilow said Hasselbeck was "dangerous" and "offensive."

Um, okay. Granted, I can't stand Hasselbeck myself, but "dangerous"? I highly doubt there are many people who put a whole lot of credence upon anything she says or thinks. The only time her "views" ever get into the news are when people make a big deal about it, such as in this case. And how is he "compromising" his beliefs by appearing on the show? It's not Rush Limbaugh's show or Sean Hannity's, where the entire shows are slanted towards pro-Neocon views only. Just because Barry has left-leaning views doesn't mean anyone would consider him a liberal pundit, so I'm sure it would have been a softball interview talking about music and fans and singing a song or two. And even if Elisabeth brought up anything political, doesn't he think that him, Joy and Whoopi could take her on and whoop her ass?

So I can't help but think this was just a big publicity ploy for him or the View or both. In which case... good job, it certainly worked, didn't it?

Whether Barry Manilow appears on the View or doesn't appear on the View is his right and hardly newsworthy. But in this day and age of Paris and Britney and Nicole and Trump VS Rosie and Rosie VS Hasselbeck and Freddie VS Jason, I've gotten pretty jaded about what the media seems to feel should be deemed as "news" these days.

Although the world isn't any poorer by losing out on seeing an aging singer hawking his latest album on a show that's not worth watching no matter who is on it, I thought I would perhaps help fill in that thimble-sized gap with this speculation of how it all might have gone down:

Hasselbeck: Hi Barry! Welcome to the 'View'.
Manilow: Thank you. Good to be here. To be honest, I was a bit leery to come on the show.
Hasselbeck: Awww, come on, we don't bite! Ha ha ha!
Manilow: Heh heh, yeah, well I know Joy and Whoopi don't, but...
Hasselbeck: I don't bite, either. I'm a compassionate conservative. Ha ha ha ha!
Manilow: Uh, well, if you say so. [Gives audience a wink]
Hasselbeck: Oh, come on now, I'm not as bad as everyone likes to make me out to be. Just because I'm the only one here who is on the right side of the political spectrum...
Manilow: ...you mean the conservative side?
Hasselbeck: No, I mean the RIGHT side, the correct side. The side that believes in God and family and babies and patriotism.
Manilow: Oooh boy, how about we just talk about my new album?
Hasselbeck: Oh sure! I love your music. It's so 'oldies' and stuff.
Manilow: Yes, well, I come from an earlier era than you grew up in, my dear.
Hasselbeck: Oh, I know it. My mom remembers listening to your stuff back when she was a little girl.
Manilow: Uhhh, thank you... I think. [turns and rolls eyes. Audience laughs]
Hasselbeck: Oh yes. I really loved your song "You're Having My Baby". It's so nice to see you are a pro-life kind of guy.
Manilow: For one thing, that wasn't my song. Paul Anka did that one.
Hasselbeck: Oh. Well. You could have covered it on your new album. It's about songs from the seventies, isn't it? And that song is from the seventies.
Manilow: I have no interest in covering that song, regardless of when it was out. And in response to what you just said, I am pro-choice. I believe in a woman having the right to choose for herself what...
Hasselbeck: That is only God's choice to make! And the government's, who are only trying to protect us.
Manilow: Protect us from what?
Hasselbeck: Terrorists! Don't you know that's why we are over in Iraq? The terrorists are all there and they want to wipe out Christianity. If George Bush wasn't over there bravely fighting this war, the terrorists would win and come over here and make all the women here have abortions and wipe out our race!
Manilow: I don't mean to be rude, but that has got to be the dumbest thing I...
Hasselbeck: God isn't dumb! And he doesn't like people who are for abortion. Maybe that's why he punished you by having that white tiger attack you in Las Vegas.
Manilow: That wasn't me you are thinking of, Ms. Hasselbeck. You know, I think I've had about enough of...
Hasselbeck: Do you think my breasts are perky?
Manilow: Wh-wh-what???
Hasselbeck: I've had one child and have another on the way, and my breasts have no sag at all. I think that's God's way of rewarding me for following the plan he has for me. That's why Rosie hated me, you know. Her breasts weren't perky like mine and she was so jealous. She just couldn't accept that God hates her kind.
Manilow: Lady, I always try to be a gentleman, but I really have to say, you are a 100% complete nutcase.
[audience laughs and claps]
Joy: Now you see what we have to put up with, Barry. Ha ha ha!
Manilow: Calling her "offensive" doesn't even begin to describe it. I have to get out of here. Maybe I can still catch the afternoon taping for Leno. [audience claps and cheers]

See? Told you we didn't miss much. And like the news story itself, this post was nothing more than a silly diversion from more pressing issues of the day.

We now return you to our regularly scheduled program, already in progress.

[graphic by Dancin' Dave]